Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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