I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
