i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
