we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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