Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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