I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
