Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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