Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
