i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize