I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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