So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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