Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
