i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
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Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize