I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck