Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
