So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize