Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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