i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
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As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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