So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
