so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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