So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
