I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
