just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just puked most of my soul out..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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