Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
