Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize