Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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