what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
