Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I look better un-naked...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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