She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Randomize
