if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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