um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
