Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
