and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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