hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Randomize
