Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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