Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
