she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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