i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
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DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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