I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize