So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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