wrigley field is MILF paradise
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
