Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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