Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
