Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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