Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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