god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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