Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The best revenge is premature balding
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize