Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
