At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
