I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
