I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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