Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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