i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
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Ketchup is God's man juice
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
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It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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