The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
